HOLD THE MOLD

So, I am a Solo-Mom, not a single mom, a solo-  mom.  My life is so full!  I have two amazing children, 100+ chickens, 3 pigs, 2 dogs and a piece of land I call home.  How did I get here?  To this full life?

I’ll start by saying, I don’t like to share my story.  It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. Two things I despise.  But in order to understand why I am here, it is important to understand how I got here.    

In 2016 I was sick, the kids were sick, and even the animals were sick.  My head was foggy, and I wasn’t able to see the big picture.  The cat and dogs were vomiting foamy vial and had developed bald patches.  I changed the animal’s food, because everything I read online led me to believe it was their food.  The kids were off.  They were struggling with homework, not sleeping well, and becoming short-tempered with each other.  Which I figured must be growing pains.  I would wake up at my desk, unclear when or how I had fallen asleep, or how long I had been asleep, a minute, an hour?  I had no idea.  I would ask my kids to do something and they would say, you just said that, but I would have no recollection of the conversation.  At one point, I thought they were messing with me.  It was all pretty strange.  When I  would leave for work, I would feel fine.

When you get settled in a routine, it can be difficult to see the big picture.  I felt like maybe it was just a getting older kinda thing.  The kids were just being kids.  The animals were eating the wrong food.  All these things did not seem related at the time.  Then one day I woke up, I could not lift my head, my arms would not lift.   I could barely pick up my feet, let alone my legs.  Then I nearly fell down the stairs.  When I was able, I went to the doctor.  I was scared.  What was going on?! 

Again, I am telling the registration nurse the same things I had told the doctors, the same thing I had told every nurse or medical professional who would listen for the past six months, only now I am really scared.  A woman, I assume was a nurse, overheard my conversation and popped around the corner.  She looked me right in the eyes and said, “go home right now, check for a gas leak, check the CO monitor and check for mold”.  In that moment, I knew it was mold.  I went home, picked up the kids the cat and the dogs and checked into a motel.  The kids and animals never went back to that house.

It’s been five years, and I can tell you, sometimes I wonder if I am actually better.  Other days I feel like I can conquer the world.  What I can tell you, is without my garden, I would not be where I am today.  Sometimes I feel silly saying it, but I know it is true.  The garden saved my life. 

Every day outside in the garden was like a year of healing.  I felt life returning to my body and the ability to think coming back to me.  Nearly daily, my memory improved.  My thinking improved.  Imagine if you will, that you are trying to recall something that happened in the kitchen that morning.  Only, it’s blank, like a dark room.  You cannot recall anything at all. Like someone deleted an episode and you can’t go back and watch it.  That is what it was like.  As I began to heal, I would try to recall things from our time in that house, only there would be nothing.  I can assure you this was terrifying, especially since my family has a history of Alzheimer’s.   

Imagine, if you will, what it was like as I would get up every day and feeling that my arms moved farther today than yesterday, that I could pick up my feet to tie my shoe, that I could turn my head without heaviness and pain.  Or that the deep pain in my bones was less today than yesterday.  One seriously disturbing part of the healing process was to realize how seriously ill I had become and to know that I did not realize it as it was happening.  

What’s most disturbing, is talking to my kids about their experiences.  My youngest says, when she recalls living in that house, she felt like she was drowning out of water.  When I ask her what that means, she explains that is how her body and mind felt.  She says that she remembers trying to do homework, and not understanding why she wasn’t able to get it done.  My kiddo is a fastidious reader and enthusiastic learner.  For her to have struggled with homework is still confusing to her.  She would have been 12 back then, so imagine not being able to articulate how you are feeling, all these years later, beyond that of drowning without water.  My other kid doesn’t talk about it much, because according to her, she doesn’t remember much.  

I’m not telling you this story so you will feel bad. I’m telling you this story, because I believe people are having similar experiences everywhere, with many different causes.  If you look at yourself or your sister or your mother or bother or father or children or neighbors, how many will see them suffering from something?  How many of you are suffering from something?  What is causing this?  I cannot give answer that or give you the perfect solution for you, but I can give you mine, my garden.  I can share with you how the garden saved my life.  How the garden became chickens and then pigs.  I have a chance to share with others a journey that may just help you and your family too.